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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24430528">I love someone who is not mine to love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSAF/pseuds/MSAF'>MSAF</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>asphyxiation &amp; aconites [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night &amp; Related Fandoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Hanahaki Disease, I hope I succeeded sksksks, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sprinkles of angst, involves battle of camlann hill ho boy, this is my first attempt at hanahaki but I already wanted to detract from the cliches</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:55:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,254</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24430528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSAF/pseuds/MSAF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I followed the trail of your flowers, your sweet scent, and your upturned lips, only to learn of your love.</p><p>(Or, Bedivere doesn't understand inhumans.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bedivere | Saber/Merlin | Caster</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>asphyxiation &amp; aconites [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I love someone who is not mine to love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HELLO its 7am and I started writing this at 4am (I think) KSDHJFKJDHSFSD<br/>my girlfriend and I were talking about hanahaki and neither of us have written it before but we were talking about what the boundaries of it were (because like, bro, if merlin has unrequited love for both arthur and bedi, would he cough up twice the flowers or what???)<br/>which then led to us talking about messy ways in which hanahaki could be used!! I really want to write several different scenarios of that so. Here We Are (tm)<br/>I tried my best!!! I hope you guys like it : D</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is said that Merlin, the mentor of King Arthur and Camelot’s reliable court mage, grew flowers by his feet. He grew a beautiful array of pink flowers by his feet, every single day, said to be conjured up as an illusion. Even his magical spells utilised these pretty pink flowers— And for this reason, he was nicknamed ‘The Mage of Flowers’, known for his love of the floral scent and sight.</p><p>Bedivere understood all of this. He knew very well that Merlin held an affection for flowers— pink ones in particular— that he would visit Camelot’s finest gardens every dawn, that he even smelled like flowers—<br/>Knowing all of this, Bedivere couldn’t stand to let Merlin’s crimes go on any longer. Well, not that Bedivere knew if this could be classified as a crime, but surely, it could be considered manipulative or inhuman, at the very least. Which, some would say, isn’t very surprising for a half human, half incubus being, but he refused to judge others without evidence. Although the one-armed knight was known for his calm demeanor, he couldn’t help but storm towards Merlin’s chambers on a very fine May morning. He knows that perhaps, this was all a misunderstanding and that Merlin had been wrongfully accused of a crime that he did not commit, and perhaps, it was simply Morgan once again, at fault for all of Camelot’s problems—</p><p>But this sounded too much like something that Merlin would do. Too much for Bedivere’s comfort.</p><p>(But really, what did Bedivere expect? He knew how Merlin was like for a whole decade now. He was handsome and flirty and a bag of trouble, during both peaceful periods and warring days. He was simply a whirlwind of mischief and confusion that Bedivere had yet to learn to control. And he doesn’t know how Arthur does it. He wished he knew.)</p><p>.<br/>.<br/>.</p><p>“Merlin, we need to have a discussion.”<br/>“Come in, Sir Bedivere. Has something happened? Do you need a potion? Perhaps a love potion? Or do you require assistance in some other form of—”<br/>“I am merely here to talk, Merlin. In a serious manner, if I may add.”<br/>“Ahaha, such a downer! Well then, what is it?”</p><p>Hanging upside down from the edge of his flowery bed, Merlin looked up at Bedivere and gave him a wide grin. That was, if Bedivere remembers correctly, the same sort of smile he gives to fair maidens whom he fancied, and new knights whom he loved to make squirm. But it has been years, and that sort of simple tactic won’t work on Bedivere anymore. The knight took a seat on a chair that faced the bed, and squinted his eyes as he began to speak.</p><p>“Merlin.” Bedivere cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “I’d like to clarify something with you.”<br/>“Someone is in love with me? Oh, no, you’re in love with me?” Merlin chuckles. “I am rather honoured, Sir Bedivere.”<br/>“No, I’m not in love with you. Please don’t assume things.” Bedivere pauses for a brief moment, before sighing. “And please don’t joke around. I really mean it when I say that this is serious. I’ve been meaning to ask you this for awhile now, but I never found the time to do it until today.”</p><p>“Hmm, I see. Then… What is it?”<br/>“Well, Merlin. I’ve been hearing rumours circulating through the town square quite awhile ago. You do love flowers, don’t you?”<br/>“Indeed I do, Sir Bedivere. They are my trademark signal, in fact.”</p><p>“Yes. Everyone in Camelot knows your love for flowers. And everyone in Camelot also knows that you are quite the… flirt. Which is why I found it rather alarming when a village maiden ran up to me and informed me of a very distressing… plan you’ve put in place. Of course, I won’t assume that your intentions are bad, nor will I assume that you don’t have a good reason for what you’re doing. You always, always have a reason for the things that you do, even if it’s not obvious at first— But this is a bit too much, even for you.”<br/>“Hmm… I don’t quite understand what you mean, Sir Bedivere. I don’t recall having anything that could be seen as ‘wrong’ by human standards. Could you fill me in?”<br/>“… Right. I’ve been informed that you are, apparently, attempting to harvest flowers from the various citizens of Camelot— primarily young women— so that you may craft your very own garden. Supposedly, the method of harvesting is done through a magical disease which sprouts flowers in the lungs of someone who is lovesick. The maiden told me that the flowers would be coughed up by these poor victims, and collected by… you. Is this true?”</p><p>Merlin finally sits up properly instead of hanging over the edge of his bed and shifts his position so that he would be laying on his comfortable pillows instead. Then he looks at Bedivere with a twinkle in his eyes. Which usually meant trouble and headaches.</p><p>“I don’t know about those poor maidens, Sir Bedivere. But I do know of the disease which you speak of. I am a sufferer of such, after all.”<br/>“I don’t see you choking on flowers, Merlin.”<br/>“Ahaha, of course not! Quite an annoying thing, really. I doubt I would be of much use if I couldn’t chant my spells properly, so I simply make sure to dispel the flowers in my lungs by using magic. You’ll usually see them sprouting around my feet.”</p><p>“… What? No, those are mere illusions—”<br/>“They are not, Sir Bedivere. Of course, I am able to conjure illusions that feel as real as reality, but the flowers that sprout by my feet are truly flowers.”<br/>“Then… Then what do you do, when the plant in your lungs has grown too large—”<br/>“I simply prune it. It does take some time, though.”</p><p>“… I don’t understand. Who— You must be experiencing some sort of lovesickness, correct? From what I understand, you simply need to remove the plant from your lungs, and the disease would be gone. It’s almost as if you’re cultivating it… Who is this person you’ve fallen in love with? How are they rejecting you? And… why?”<br/>“Oh, simple Bedivere… You misunderstand. It’s not as easy as you believe it to be. When the plant is removed, the feeling of love disappears with it. I don’t wish to erase this love. I want to nurture it. I want to watch it grow. I want to watch it bloom.”<br/>“But… who is this person that you’ve grown to love?”<br/>“Haha, you ask the most specific questions, Bedivere. Very intriguing. Anyways, it’s not a person. I simply love humanity and the stories that humanity creates. My flowers are a product of my endless love for humanity.”</p><p>“… I don’t understand. You love humanity… Do you feel that humanity does not reciprocate your love?”<br/>“Naturally. After all, I am merely an outsider watching an ongoing story. I have no right to influence the story or its ending, and the characters of the story don’t exactly like me. I am, after all, an inhuman. It is natural for humans to fear and loathe what they don’t understand.”<br/>“… I don’t fear you, Merlin. And I don’t feel even an inch of hatred as well.”<br/>“That is you, my dear Bedivere. I doubt the majority of humanity would answer the same. But anyways… To hear that even village maidens are under the same plight as I am… That shall be a wonderful sight to behold— The spread of my love for humanity to others. I shall visit them today.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wonderful…? I don’t understand. You leave them suffocating on flowers and crying for help, Merlin.”</p><p>“And that is beauty, Sir Bedivere. You will understand in due time.”</p><p> </p><p>.<br/>.<br/>.</p><p> </p><p>Bedivere runs.</p><p>He runs and runs and runs, carrying the body of the King on his back.</p><p>His legs are burning, every muscle in his body screaming for rest, as he makes his way through a burning forest. He’s coughing violent, and he thinks he can taste blood in his mouth— The last time he drank water must have been last night. His flask has water— But that should be reserved for the King. Above all else, he needs to prioritise the King’s safety. If Bedivere dies here, alone, helpless, in fear— That would be okay, as long as the King would live; he was happy that he managed to serve the King as best as he could. And if they were both to live, then he would continue to serve at the King’s side for the rest of his life, once more.</p><p>Right now, Bedivere needs to find his horse and a source of water. He values the King’s life over his own, but he can’t die just yet.</p><p>The dusty haze that clouds his vision, drifting from the flames of the burning forest, blind Bedivere’s view and chokes his breath. He can hear the King too, coughing lightly even when unconscious. This fiery blaze, and these bloodstained hands that reek of iron and death, as well as these heavy eyes— It was all too much. He had experienced battles and war and bloodshed, but nothing had been like this, like the loss of his comrades of many years who he could call his own brothers, like the loss of his own blood-related brother, Lucan, as they struggled to bring the King to safety, like the fall of the once impenetrable Camelot—</p><p> </p><p>Would Merlin have loved this too? All of this destruction? It’s nothing like his beloved delicate flowers. The dirt and blood would have stained his pearly white robes, for certain.</p><p>If Merlin truly were in love with humanity’s stories, why did he have to leave before the ending came?</p><p>Did Merlin dislike unhappy endings? Or maybe Merlin saw a foregone conclusion and concluded that it would be boring to stay? What was on Merlin’s mind, when he left them all for dead?<br/>Even now, after so many years of battling by his side, sitting right next to him, having conversations with him, Bedivere doesn’t understand Merlin a single bit. The Mage of Flowers is the same as he has always been— an unprecedented mystery, a whirlwind of mischief, an inhuman who could not be understood—</p><p>Perhaps this is what Merlin meant when he said that he could never be loved by humanity. How could someone do that, when Merlin was on a different level to humans? Even if he was half human, he was still an incubus at the core. An inhuman who operated based on his own whims, with barely a sense of human morality. And perhaps, just a little bit, Bedivere feels foolish for thinking that he could understand such a complicated being— That simple, normal Bedivere could ever understand the mind of an incubus. </p><p>At the same time, an unknown feeling burns painfully in his chest. He doesn’t know what to describe it.</p><p>Bedivere thinks it’s the same sensation he felt when he saw the King smile for the first and last time.</p><p> </p><p>He carries on his journey to save the King with agony, all for the King, for the sake of Camelot—<br/>But he hesitates to return the holy sword.<br/>Three times. He makes three trips, returning each time with a lie. But the King knew him well, and sent him off once more. Return Excalibur to the lake, the King said. It is the right thing to do.<br/>And though he wishes to honour the King’s wishes, having seen such a peaceful smile, he was unable to do such an act. That selfishness of his was a mistake that should not have been made.</p><p>When Bedivere returned from his third trip, ready to lie once more, the King was gone. The only trace that remained of the King was a blood soaked spot of grass near the tree where the King laid.</p><p>The King was gone. Merlin was gone. His companions were gone.</p><p> </p><p>In the midst of all this tragedy, Bedivere lets out a scream of despair.</p><p>.<br/>.<br/>.</p><p>After a long, arduous 1500 years, Bedivere reaches a place the simply smells divine. Though his rusted limbs can move no longer, his sense of smell is still intact. It’s a nostalgic scent that he recognises from much more peaceful days, from someone who he trusted. It infiltrates the remainders of his brain, overwhelming his head. He closes his eyes and swims in that sweet smell, forgetting for even a moment how long and how hard he had to travel to reach this place.</p><p>He doesn’t know for how long, exactly, but it felt like an eternity that he had been relaxing like that, until a silky voice called out to him.</p><p>“Sir Bedivere. I’ve been waiting for you.”</p><p>Bedivere opens his eyes, only to be greeted to a sight that was, in a way, horrifyingly ethereal.</p><p> </p><p>Flowers.</p><p>Fields upon fields of pink flowers that stretched into the distance, into nothingness, that surrounded Bedivere.</p><p>Familiar pink flowers, that he had seen 1500 years ago, sprouting at the feet of a handsome man.</p><p> </p><p>This is the culmination of Merlin’s love for humanity, he realises. For 1500 years, Merlin has crafted this garden of admiration, proof of his fascination for humanity. He has never stopped loving humanity— His love knows no boundaries, no end, no limits. Merlin is truly, deeply, in love with humanity.</p><p> </p><p>Bedivere opens his mouth to greet Merlin, only to choke out a single flower.</p>
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